I don't even know

This is such a weird bad morning. 

I woke up from a dream that so perfectly fit my level of self confidence. 

I met AFP. And I could tell she didn't like me. I was being annoying. She didn't want to hug me. I think we might have sang or played music together. I had thoughts like "yes, she will remember that one chick she sang with this one time, but she'll only remember how annoying and horrible I am." 

And that really hurt, for dream-me. Because she has always been above that, or so it seems. She is just love. 

But, i wouldn't blame her for not wanting to hug me. 

I don't understand why anyone hugs me. 

I could probably use more of them. 

But I just... Don't like me very much. 

Aaron is freaking out about his final tests. So I feel like I shouldn't burden him with my self-loathing right now. But I'm sure I will eventually. He does love me and all. But, not yet...

And my friends...my CoA friends...who are probably my only friends... It's happening again. Like it does with every friendship I've ever had. I ruin it. I start to think that maybe they don't really like me. Because I don't really like me. And it feels like they're annoyed with everything I say or do. And then, like an idiot, I tell them how I feel and that's when I actually become annoying and then we slowly drift apart because I'm so awkward. 

It's happened too many times. 

...I'm really afraid that that's going to happen with the CoA. 

Because... There isn't anything to like. 

I just complain and whine and do everything wrong. I'm not interesting. I don't have funny stories. 

And who knows, maybe they already see it and are just too nice to say anything. They are sooooo nice. 

I mean, dream-AFP saw it immediately. I'm no good. 

I'm really lucky to have Aaron. He could do a lot better. Silly guy loves me though, even when I don't love myself. 

And I wish that were enough to make me be okay. 

But I need to be the one to make me okay. I have to love me. And I don't. How could I? 

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't think anyone is going to read it. Maybe that's why I'm being so honest. It's just me.