It's sad...

I have a period-tracking app with a social section. And it's so sad to see how many young teenage girls are afraid to talk to their mothers. 

These girls are saying things like "I just got my very first period but I'm afraid to tell my mom." 

Or

"I hid my period from my mom for over a year"

That is insane! 

And a lot of them don't know the names for their body parts, or that vaginal discharge is normal and even GOOD. 

Girls need to be taught about their bodies. It's so sad seeing the shame and embarrassment that these girls are going through. 

I really hope I'm able to teach my daughters to love their bodies and to be comfortable talking about it, at least when talking to me, their mother. 

I don't even know

This is such a weird bad morning. 

I woke up from a dream that so perfectly fit my level of self confidence. 

I met AFP. And I could tell she didn't like me. I was being annoying. She didn't want to hug me. I think we might have sang or played music together. I had thoughts like "yes, she will remember that one chick she sang with this one time, but she'll only remember how annoying and horrible I am." 

And that really hurt, for dream-me. Because she has always been above that, or so it seems. She is just love. 

But, i wouldn't blame her for not wanting to hug me. 

I don't understand why anyone hugs me. 

I could probably use more of them. 

But I just... Don't like me very much. 

Aaron is freaking out about his final tests. So I feel like I shouldn't burden him with my self-loathing right now. But I'm sure I will eventually. He does love me and all. But, not yet...

And my friends...my CoA friends...who are probably my only friends... It's happening again. Like it does with every friendship I've ever had. I ruin it. I start to think that maybe they don't really like me. Because I don't really like me. And it feels like they're annoyed with everything I say or do. And then, like an idiot, I tell them how I feel and that's when I actually become annoying and then we slowly drift apart because I'm so awkward. 

It's happened too many times. 

...I'm really afraid that that's going to happen with the CoA. 

Because... There isn't anything to like. 

I just complain and whine and do everything wrong. I'm not interesting. I don't have funny stories. 

And who knows, maybe they already see it and are just too nice to say anything. They are sooooo nice. 

I mean, dream-AFP saw it immediately. I'm no good. 

I'm really lucky to have Aaron. He could do a lot better. Silly guy loves me though, even when I don't love myself. 

And I wish that were enough to make me be okay. 

But I need to be the one to make me okay. I have to love me. And I don't. How could I? 

I don't even know why I'm writing this. I don't think anyone is going to read it. Maybe that's why I'm being so honest. It's just me. 

Mother's Day

I did have a good Mother's Day. I love my family. All my babies, and my darling husband. We are pretty cool. 

I woke up with a huge migraine and stuffy nose, but I didn't even care because the four people that I love most were in bed with me cuddling. It was so perfect. 

It would have been perfect just like that, but then I even got make up! GOOD make up. And breakfast. And lunch. And so so sooo many hugs and kisses. 

It's nice to know that they love me as much as I love them. I totally felt it today. 

Did you feel the love? 

^thats a picture of my kids a few weeks ago. Because they're awesome. 

^my sandy husband. 

Yeah I know I didn't take any pictures today. Get over it, I had a headache. 

Well, I did take a picture of my make up... They did good. 

Ima miss him

Aaron is gone today, he had to go shoot stuff. He left the house around 3:30am. If he woke me up to say goodbye, I don't remember it. 

He has been gone over twelve hours now. And I just miss him. It was supposed to be his day off. But, nope. 

And it just got me thinking how I don't have a lot of time left with him. Just a few more weeks here in this house, then he leaves for months of training. I can hardly stand this twelve hours without him, how can I handle the entire summer away from him?!

I know I've done it before. For basic training. And that was horrible. I felt so alone and unsure. Hopefully being able to talk to him for often this time will help a little. 

I just love that guy. And I don't want him to ever go away. 

Just kidding.

It doesn't get easier with time. 

I guess I have just learned to repress all those feelings to two days a year.